Memorial created 08-27-2007 by
Bonnie M. Pierce
July 19 1935 - April 22 2007
The Internet has alot of material, just go to keyword and type in grief! Or join a support group such as Grief.Net
Thank You Margie for allowing me to copy from your page, to share this information!
Consoling the Bereaved by Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D., CT
Too often people stay away when a friend's husband/wife, brother/sister, child, or parent has died because they don't know what to say or do. I hope the following information will be of help so that you don't stay away when a friend or co-worker needs you the most...
The first thing to understand is that unless you can bring the dead person back to life, there is NOTHING you can do to "fix" the person's grief. No one "gets over" the death of someone they love. They can learn to live with it, adapt to it, find ways to incorporate it into their lives, etc., but they do not "recover" and get over it.
Grief lasts much longer than you think. Depending on the closeness and nature of the relationship, the trauma of the death, and numerous other factors, some people don't even really begin to touch the depth of their grief until around the second anniversary after the death.
You cannot know another person's pain. Adults and children do not appreciate anyone saying, "I know how you feel." You don't. You can only know how you feel. The best thing you can do is listen...Listen, listen, listen!
Grief is not just the emotion of sadness. Grief can look like hyperactivity, distractedness, anger, energy, ennui, numbness, confusion, aggression, and almost any other emotion you can think of.
The good friend will understand that their friend is not the same -- they are grieving. They may be angry. You need to understand they are not angry with you, they are angry at the situation. You cannot talk someone out of his or her feelings. All you will do is teach them that you are not someone it is safe to share with.
No one wants to be told how he or she should feel. Certain philosophies may help you. Don't assume they will be helpful to the grieving person.
A hug is worth a thousand words. If you keep the above in mind and understand that the greatest gift you have to give is your presence, you will have done a lot to help your grieving friend.
Healing Grief ......by Hillyard Jensen
Shock and Disbelief:
Getting thru the first few days:
Sadness and Depression: Grief Prolonged:
Searching and Yearning:
Barb sent this:
Survival guilt and anger No one expects to outlive his own children, much less his grandchildren. And, according to Gerner, reactions of guilt and anger often are intermingled. In fact, grandparents often experience survival guilt because it seems unnatural for a grandparent to outlive his or her grandchild, and they often express the wish that they ďcould change placesĒ with the deceased child.
The Don'ts while being a friend
1) Donít try to make the grieving person feel better. YOU CANNOT. For many grievers it only serves to make them feel guilty or worse. Grievers MUST experience the pain of grief for healing to ultimately occur.
2) Donít tell the griever to give it time. Time has stopped for the griever. Life proceeds in slow motion. Life is too surreal to be identified with time.
3) Donít try to divert the grieverís attention away from their pain by talking about something else. If you do, when you exit their presence, the reality will generally hit all the harder. Also, it may seem to the grieving that you are uncomfortable with them talking to you about their grief. If they sense this, they will alienate themselves from you.
4) Donít be afraid to talk about the person who has died by name. If it makes you uncomfortable, it may want to assess your preparedness for helping. To recover from grief, the griever must have a realistic picture of the dead.
5) Donít be frightened by tearsÖthe grieverís or your own. Tears are apertures of release and help the griever express their sorrow in healthy ways with your presence as a cushion of warmth and empathy.
6) Donít be concerned about saying the right things. Let the grieving person talk. Just listen and encourage their talking. Your presence is more meaningful than anything you can say.
7) Donít argue with grieving individuals. Instead, reassure. You may hear statements such as, ďI wish I had done this or had been more considerateĒ and so forth. Reassure them that they did what they could have done at the time not knowing _______ (name of deceased) would die when he/she did.
Donít use euphemisms and flowery language. Generally, it only makes the situation seem more artificial and unreal. For example, donít say ďpassed awayĒ or ďexpiredĒ when you mean ďdied.Ē The griever need to hear ďdead.Ē
9) Donít be afraid of silence. Silence on the helpers part show that you do not have all the answers and do not feel the need to pretend that you do. Furthermore, it gives grievers time to process thought and express feelings.
10) Donít make general statements of help such as ďIf you need me, give me a call.Ē Chances that they will call are almost nil. Instead, be specific. For example, tell them about a group support group being conducted in their area; or tell them you will stop by next week to see if there is some housework you can help them with; or ask if you can bring dinner by tomorrow.
11) Donít isolate grievers. Donít cut your conversation or visit short because you are uncomfortable or because you are too busy. (Never look at your watch or the clock in their presence). Be ready with gentle words and a listening ear. Your sincerity and concern is the best proof to the griever that he/she still has resources to draw from.
12) Donít become impatient. Many grievers ramble on and on and repeat themselves in their shock and confusion. Supporting with patience, empathy and compassion reveals your care.
13) Donít be judgmental or rejecting. Grievers are hurting badly. They do not need your judgments and abandonment at this difficult time in their lives.
14) Donít tell grieving people you know how they feel. YOU DONíT. Even though many helpers have also experienced loss due to death, each experience is different and felt differently. Your pain is never someone elseís pain.
15) Donít let your own needs determine the experience for the griever.
16) Donít push the bereaved into new relationships before they are ready. They will let you know when they are open to new experiences.
17) Donít impose your value system on the bereaved. Your beliefs or ways of doing things may not be theirs.
18) Donít elaborate on your personal experiences of loss to the bereaved.
19) Donít let the griever forget their childrenís grief and special needs during this time.
20) Donít be afraid to touch, hold, hug (etc.) the griever. The feelings generated is worth more than a thousand words.
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Saundra_L._Washington
Surviving the death of a loved one who has taken their own life is a unique form of grief. You will experience the same stages of grief as any other survivor would, however the intense feelings of shame, anger, and guilt accompany and complicate the grieving process. There are so many questions left unanswered. The feelings of blame can be overwhelming. There is often little discussed. Families may feel embarrassed, or they may lie to others in regards to the method of death of their loved one. Others may feel relief that their loved oneís irresolvable life is over and that person is not longer struggling. This leads to further feelings of guilt and shame. It is crucial for survivors to remember that there are always other solutions, even if their loved one was not able to discover that for themselves.
As you work through your grief, you must first address the guilt and shame you are feeling. Addressing these feelings will allow you to begin to accept that you are not responsible for someone else taking their own life. As you process these thoughts, you will come to a place of forgiveness for yourself and for your loved one. This will allow you to continue through the grieving process. You will also begin to remember and celebrate the person for who they were, rather than the way they died.
Grieving a suicide can create a sense of isolation. It is often more difficult to reach out and share our heartache with others for fear they will judge us. However, the greatest level of comfort and healing will be found in those around you, but especially through Suicide Survivor Support Groups. In weeks to come, Memory-Of and I will provide you with a safe place to heal with others that have survived the loss of a loved one through suicide. We will facilitate several support groups online related to a variety of areas. There are also many resources that I can offer both online and offline for you during this time. The voice of another survivor provides calmness within, an understanding of your pain, unlike anyone else.
If you have lost someone to suicide: Go to Survivingsuicide.com, Cnn.com/health, Suicideandmentalhealthassociation.org, or to Buddhanet.net.
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